Pixie
by DarkDevon13
Summary: Everyone's favorite hyper half-Romulan half-Italian navigator is back! This time, in one-shot form! This fic will be more humor based, and probably won't be in chronological order. In fact, there probably won't be much order in general.
1. Chapter 1

**Star Trek On Drugs**

Uhura: "Hi there everybody, we're here today to talk to you about the dangers of drugs."

Spock: "Indeed."

McCoy: "Out of curiosity, how many people came here because they wanted to see _us _do drugs?" (Given the authoress' writing style it certainly wasn't out of the question)

Kirk: "Personally, I'd like to see that myself. Maybe see Spock or Bones here loosen up a bit."

Spock: "I would estimate a 52.3% probability that the reader has what you would call 'a dirty mind'.

Uhura: "Trying to get back on track, drugs in the twenty-first century are not something to make light of."

Kirk: "Lighten up, Uhura. You can't really blame them. The thought of Spock or Bones here all high and mighty making asses of themselves would make anyone come running.

McCoy: "You don't need drugs or alcohol to make an ass of yourself, Jim."

Uhura: "Anyway, to bring this back to topic, though cigarettes are not illegal, they can do as much, if not more damage than their illegal counterparts, causing things such as lung cancer, heart disease, and even premature aging and wrinkling. And as with most things, they're harder to quit the younger you start out."

Spock: "The same goes for alcohol. Though legal, it has killed approximately 6.5 times more teenagers than all other illicit drugs combined. Though while Doctor McCoy does indulge in his earth bourbon far too much-"

McCoy: "Hey!"

Spock: "But, as with most things, it all comes down to moderation and self control. A thing which Vulcans have completely mastered."

Jim: "cough(Romi) cough"

Spock: *glares*

McCoy: "To try and bring this back to topic; Heroine is instantly addictive, so there is no such thing as 'just once' for any user. Health risks include: Fatal overdoes, High risk of infections such as HIV and AIDS, infection of the heart lining and valves, as well as liver disease."

(Everyone's favorite Italian walks in)

Romi: "Hey guys, what are you doing?"

Jim: "We're doing a public service announcement about drugs, do you have anything to add, Pixie?"

Romi: "I did shrooms once."

McCoy: "What?!"

Spock: (Raises eyebrow)

Kirk: "Huh?"

Uhura: "You Romi? What happened?"

(Queue story that includes, among other things, cross-dressing FBI agents, setting squirrels on fire, ridding a black bear like a horse, and a high speed chase through the streets of Pamplona while only wearing a fluffy sweater and body paint)

Romi: "I really don't recommend it."

McCoy: (Stares slack-jawed while reconsidering his hopes that this woman will be the future mother of his children)

Spock: o.0 (Considering how many regulations he would break by shoving her into one of the escape pods and marooning her on a random M-class planet)

Kirk: 0.0 (truly considers how borderline insane Romi is)

Uhura: '_' (Thinks about how much persuading it would take to get Spock to go to the running of the bulls in Pamplona)

I was inspired to do this by **JustMeBeingADork's **Hetalia fan comic: The Nordics on Drugs. It's a great piece, and I don't want to offend anyone by doing this. Here's the link if you want to check it out:


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey guys, really sorry I haven't updated you in awhile, but you know, I do have other things to do in my offline life. Anyway, I was inspired to write this after seeing something on Deviantart._

_Yeah, I'm usually inspired by something on Deviantart._

* * *

Saving Bones.

The absolutely strangest day of Leonard McCoy's life actually started out relatively well. He had just came back from a nice, long spring break at home and nothing could spoil his mood- until he came across a pair of familiar faces.

"Hey Bones!" The doctor grit his teeth at the horrid nickname that Jim refused to stop calling him as the farm boy ran up to him, a soccer ball tucked under one arm.

"What is it?" Leonard grunted as he continued walking, trying to shake the kid off.

"Pixie and some of the guys are playing soccer, we need a goalie, you want in?"

"It's called football Americans!" Romi yelled playfully from across the field. McCoy cursed her Vulcan hearing. Well, there was no escaping it now.

"Do I have to?" He whined as Jim corralled him to the goal.

"Bones-"

"Don't call me Bones." He grumbled habitually.

"You're my roommate, and Pixie's my best friend, you two have to learn how to at least be civil to one another."

"Since when was she your best friend?"

"Since she set me up on a date with a lovely Swiss model."

"How'd she swing that?" _And how can I get one?_

"Apparently she's friends with a fashion designer. Anyway," he slapped McCoy on the back as he dropped him off at the goal, "Good Luck."

Then the game began in earnest. It looked like Jim and two other of the command track cadets were playing off against Romi, and two other navigators. A pilot called Sulu was their goalie.

After a small while, McCoy was beginning to genuinely enjoy playing. He deflected some of the balls, though some did get past him. He wasn't keeping track of the score, understanding this to be a friendly, rather than competitive match.

Then, it hit him- literally. The ball came zooming towards the goal. He went to intercept it- and was promptly head butted by the ball. The force of the blow sent him back, hitting his head on the goal post. He heard feet rushing towards him, and then, nothing.

"Leonard... _Leonard_..." He heard a soft, feminine voice calling out to him. It sounded vaguely familiar.

"Not now mom, it's Saturday." He whined.

"LEONARD MCCOY, GET YOUR FINE SOUTHERN ASS MOVING, DAMN YOU!" That got him going.

He opened his eyes, only to look up to one face he most definitely did not want to wake up to.

"DiValdi," he groaned, clutching his head. Suddenly unconsciousness and the possibility of brain damage suddenly seemed a whole lot more appealing than dealing with her.

"Nice to see you as well, Doctor." The Italian grinned malevolently. "Not to worry though, as a field medic, I'll be sure to tend to your injuries." She reached for the back of his head, he slapped her hand away.

"I don't recall you ever receiving any medical training!"

She rubbed her hand for a moment before placing both of them on her hips. "Don't worry about it, I've taken the hypocritical oath."

"It's the Hippocratic oath!"

"Whatever, now, be a good patient and let me get you on the stretcher."

Before he could protest, Romi lifted him up- damn her Vulcan strength- and placed him on the old fashioned medical stretcher.

As the stretcher lifted, Leonard became face to face with a rather curvaceous ass in a rather short skirt. Suddenly, he didn't mind things too much.

"Hello, darlin'" he drawled in his Southern accent. "What are y'all doin' round here?"

The owner of said gorgeous behind looked over her shoulder.

"Like what you see?" Jim said, giving a saucy wink. Leonard blinked.

Jim. In a skirt. A short skirt. And he had just thought that-

(_Whining sound_)

**ERROR ERROR ERROR**

We are sorry, but due to catastrophic shock and intense psychological scarring, the doctor you are looking for is no longer available. Please hang up and dial again.

(_Dials_)

_Welcome, for loving and treasured memories of Joanna, press one; for information on the Peripheral Nervous System, press two; for reasons Jocelyn is a cold hearted bitch, press three; for continuation of the story, press four; for list of people Leonard McCoy hates, press five..._

**4**

"Oh, good, you're up just in time for your surgery." Jim said while pushing McCoy (quite quickly) down a hallway. The Academy's medical center looked empty. So no hope of rescue from any of the competent- not to mention actual- medical staff.

Bones tried to sit up and make a run for it, but he was held at the wrist by old fashioned leather restraints. Also, he was wearing nothing but a hospital gown under the bed sheets that kept his 'vital regions' covered.

"Wait a minute, didn't you flunk bio?"

"Psh, it was a C+"

"That's not sufficient for a nursing license!"

The cross dresser ignored him, pushing the actual doctor into the medical bay, where he noticed Romi putting on black rubber gloves with a menacing 'snap'. Leonard couldn't help but feel a twinge of fear go down his spine.

She turned towards him with a malevolent gleam in her eye. "Alright, Nurse Kirk, time to see what's under the bed sheets..."

"Yes sir!" Kirk saluted cheerily. While trying to think of how to avoid getting molested, McCoy realized something, while his hands were completely held down, his feet were left unrestrained. So when the cross dressing nurse went for the bedsheets, Leonard's foot met his face with a sharp smack.

"Oh god!" Jim cupped his bleeding nose, "I think he broke it!"

"Here, let me see," Romi said, sounding slightly concerned. While they were busy, the doctor took his chance to escape, scooting the cart closer to the door. He was less than ten feet away.

"Yep, it's broken," the 'doctor' ascertained.

Eight feet away.

_Seven, six._

"Here, I'll fix it for you."

_Five, four._

There was another snap and Jim yelped in pain. "There all better."

_Three, two-_

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" McCoy's escape came to a crashing halt when Romi jammed the wheel of the cart with her black leather boots.

Romi tsked in disapproval as she wheeled him back into the room. "Trying to get out of surgery? Very naughty, Doctor. Nurse." She called.

"Yep?"

"The patient's being difficult, get the extra restraints and my favorite syringe."

Jim gasped "You mean that-"

"Oh SI, I'm going THERE." There was an early 21st century term known as a rape face. Leonard McCoy was absolutely certain that Romi was currently making one.

Kirk got said restraints, tying down his feet rodeo style. Romi face palmed.

"Nurse," she groaned, "How am I supposed to get access when his anterior side is facing me?"

"Umm..."

Romi gave Jim's backside a sharp smack. She then returned her attention back to Leonard.

"Now then, let's practice some medicine." Leonard's hand restraints were undone, but only so Jim could hogtie them as well. Flipped onto his front, he was sure nothing could humiliate him more.

He was wrong.

"You know what you did," Romi said before she injected the syringe into his backside.

Now, Leonard McCoy was a wholly competent medical professional, and he did what any other doctor would do in this situation: He screamed.

"Doctor, doctor!" He heard another voice say, "If you continue thrashing like this you'll reopen your wounds."

McCoy opened his eyes to see the professionally calm face of Doctor Purri, one of the Academy's attending physicians. He looked around, he was in a bio bed in the Academy medbay, not in the surgical bay with the mad doctor DiValdi and Nurse Kirk.

Leonard gave a sigh of relief.

"You hit your head pretty hard, we were worried you might have sustained some minor brain damage. Did you see anything while you were out?"

Leonard just nodded, sensing he wanted it to be left alone, Puri didn't press the issue. "It should be healed up by now, but I've prescribed a mild painkiller just in case. Just take it easy for the next few days, alright?"

"Yes sir,"

"Doctor McCoy, you have a guest," a nurse said from the doorway.

"Hey Bones!"

So much for taking it easy.

* * *

_Anyway, hoped you liked it! I also hope those Bones x Jim fans like the little bone I thew them (get it, bone?... Never mind, horrible pun is horrible)_

_Anyway, if you want to see more, review below and let me know!_


	3. Chapter 3

Romi sighed in irritation as she changed into the white scrubs. Jim just _had _to take her with during their last away mission. It wasn't fair, really, that she had to be stuck in the Enterprise's medical isolation chamber just because _someone _just _had_ to go poking around a new strange plant.

The metal doors clicked behind her as Romi entered quarantine, along with Uhura and Jim, who were similarly dressed in white medical scrubs and looking fresh out of the decontamination shower.

The chief medical officer's voice came in over intercom. _Now, I know you all hate this, but the protocol is clear. You've all been exposed to a potentially dangerous and unknown plant. So, for the next twenty-four hours, you three can consider yourselves grounded._ They took seats on the white disposable furniture. Three cots had been prepared in corners of the room.

There was an awkward, tense silence. Jim began tapping his fingers on his leg for about twenty minutes until he spoke up. "So... either of you listen to Sinatra?" the Captain asked.

"Seriously?" Uhura rolled her eyes.

"Oh, come on, we're trapped in here together for a good twenty four hours, so we have to have _something _to pass the time." Jim sighed. Romi knew that was the truth, as the quarantine unit was bare of any form of entertainment. "Besides, you're one to talk, Lieutenant _Nyota _Uhura. You were the one who just _had _to pick the damned plant."

"Captain-"

"No no no no no. This time, I'm in the right here."

"He's right. You just had to touch the damned thing and show it to us."

"A breach of protocol, if I remember."

"Not to mention a danger to the whole ship." Jim continued.

"Please stop, you're embarrassing me."

"Yes, yes it is. And you kind of deserve it." Jim and Romi laughed.

"Yeah, well ROMI WRITES GAME OF THRONES FANFICTION ABOUT HERSELF AND POSTS IT ONLINE!"

"Why?! The hell did I do to you _stronza_?" she demanded of the translator. Uhura decided to pretend that she didn't speak Italian.

"Well excuse me for not wanting to spend the next twenty-three hours discussing this."

"Okay, we are reading that _right now_." Kirk grabbed a disposable PADD.

"Please don't." The navigator asked.

"Why? Is it about you and McCoy?" Uhura asked.

"Of course not." The Italian glared.

"It's about her and Bones." Jim concluded with a shit eater's grin. Romi was beginning to understand Leonard's crankiness more and more.

"The story is about Princess Romara Martell of Dorne… and the Baratheon Stromlord named Leonard she'd engaged to." Romi sighed in self-awareness and resignation.

"Okay, now we have to read it." He opened up a search browser.

"Yeah, well good luck finding it."

"Fine, Princess Romara and the—found it!" Jim exclaimed happily.

"As like every day, Princess Romara looked out over the balcony to the Water Gardens. But today was not like every other day, perhaps it was the first whisper of spring in the desert air. Or perhaps it was because today, Roma—as she was known to those close to her—was to meet her betrothed. A Baratheon of Storm's End…"

* * *

While Romara Martell was dreading her engagement to Leonard Baratheon, Doctor Leonard McCoy was just about to end his shift. For once, the usually grumpy country doctor had a spring in his step. You see, he had been able to schedule in visiting time with Joanna, and was planning on having a long and pleasant conversation with his only child. He was finished with his regular patients and case reports, all he had to do was check up on his quarantine patients.

When approaching the quarantine chamber, what he saw piqued his interest. Christine Chapel, the on call nurse, had her headset on and was smiling from ear to ear with another nurse, also with her headset on, but was giggling animatedly.

"Something going on, Nurse Chapel?" The nurses scrambled, quickly removing the headsets. The giggling one, Hawthorne, he remembered, smoothed her features and quickly walked off.

"Nothing sir, nothing at all." He glanced into the clear glass that made up the quarantine unit. Jim seemed to be reading something from a PADD, while Uhura smiled and Romi looked humiliated, a light green dusting her cheeks. Making the active decision that he probably didn't want to know, Dr. McCoy decided to ignore it- for now, at least.

"Alright, just, let me know if anything changes in the patient's condition." He walked away, an eyebrow raised.

Christine nodded, and as soon as the CMO was out of sight and earshot, she popped her headset back on. They had just gotten to the good part, after Romara's duel with Solo, she and Leo were having a long overdue heart-to-heart.

* * *

"...Roma gazed at the scorpion in the jar. It would be so easy, she mused. Scorpions crawled their way into the Water Garden's all the time, and sometimes into people's beds. Should he die of said bite, the Martells could not be held responsible. She would be honoring her agreement to marry him, yet still hold onto Sunspear. Yet even as she thought of it, she hesitated. Leo was a good man, underneath it all. He respected her, would never intentionally hurt her. Their children would be raised by someone who would care for them. But what about her? Could she deal with the constant disapproving glares, the drinking, the fucking Stormlands? She loved Dorne, and Dorne loved her. Taking a deep breath, she made her decision."

"That's enough!" Romi swiped Jim's PADD.

"NO! Does she kill him? Do they kiss? I really want to know!"

"Me too!" Uhura supported.

"Fine. Romara sighed, and released the scorpion on the balcony. As the creature scuttled off into the night, she couldn't still help but wonder if she had done the right thing. At least the Water Gardens was lovely bathed in moonlight. She heard the bed creak beside her, and turned. Leonard had awoken, and was now sitting up in bed rubbing his eyes. 'Hey,' he said. 'Hey yourself' Roma replied with a soft smile. 'Something wrong?' 'Nothing, I just couldn't fall asleep.' He got up and held her from behind, kissing the top of her blonde hair. 'You know, it really is beautiful here.' 'I'd hate to say "I told you so" but that would be a lie.' The princess turned around, gazing into her husband's eyes. They were beautiful, the full moon reflecting off of them. Gathering her courage, she leaned in-"

Uhura and Kirk sat, enraptured by the Italian's tale. Then Bones had the misfortune of walking in. "Good news, looks like your quarantine is-"

"Get out!" Kirk and Nyota yelled. The good doctor obliged, quickly backing out of the quarantine area.

* * *

"'What about you, my lord?' Roma asked, taking a sip of her Dornish wine. 'If not the Lord of Storm's End, what would you have been?' Leo gazed into his whiskey a long moment. 'I would have been a master.' He took a drink. 'Truly?' 'No, I would've been a whore what the hells do you think?' Even in literary form the doctor is a grump." Scotty commented.

"Vait, isn't it a little strange?" Chekhov asked. He worked with Lt. DiValdi on a daily basis, and was a little embarrassed to hear what she wanted Leonard _Baratheon_ to do to her.

"I you want me to stop?" Mr. Scott asked, holding up his PADD.

"I didn't say that!" The gold shirts leaned in close as the Scotsman continued speaking.

"Romara


	4. 100 Words

**I once found a prompt for a hundred word story. Here we go! I hope you laugh!**

* * *

_Sickbay_

"I have some reports for Doctor McCoy…" the ensign listened. "Um…is he…is that Lt. DiValdi moaning in there?"

"Yeeep. You might want to hold off on delivering those for twenty minutes or so." More listening. "Maybe an hour."

"Yeah. Good call. I don't want to end up posted to the graveyard shift. Who won the pool, then?"

"Hicks and Chapel. He had the day and she said the desk. Bastards. I was sure it would be a biobed."

"Yeah, me too…"

There was muffled screaming of Romi's name.

"…anyway, we still on for Blackjack after duty tonight?"

"Of course."


End file.
